“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Mark Twain
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La banca se înfatiseaza un batrânel care cere sa i se acorde un credit destul de mare.Putin jenat angajatul bancii îl întreaba:
- „Ce vârsta aveti?”
- 85 de ani,raspunde senin batrânelul.
- Stiti,la aceasta vârsta aveti nevoie de cineva care sa garanteze ca veti achita împrumutul”,îi explica functionarul.
- „A, nici o problema, vin cu tata!”
Blocat, functionarul exclama:
- „Cu tata?Imposibil! Dar câti ani are?”
- „110″,replica batrânul.Haideti,va rog,”, insista el, „Stiti, avem nevoie de bani pentru nunta bunicului.” Din ce în ce mai uimit, angajatul bancii întreaba:
- „Dar câti ani are bunicul dumneavoastra?”
- „140″, veni raspunsul.
- „140?”, striga functionarul. „Si la vârsta asta mai vrea sa se însoare?” La care batrânelul raspunse,facând cu ochiul:
- Ei,nu prea vrea el, dar îl împing parintii…
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Un individ intra intr-un cabinet medical.
Medicul: Buna ziua cu ce va putem ajuta?
Individul: Sunt bolnav, dom’ doctor !
Doctorul: Dar ce aveti?
Individul: Ma cred molie!
Doctorul: Ok,dar sa stiti ca aici e cabinet stomatologic.
Individul: Da, stiu, da’ aveati becul aprins…
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…..always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right…’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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La un sanatoriu in Somalia, se aude o voce:
- Sooorrraaaa, un paianjen !
- Vin imediat! zice sora, care era ocupata…
Mai trece putin timp.
- Sooorrraaaa, un paianjen !
- Vin imediat! zice sora, care era inca ocupata.
Mai trece putin timp…
-.. Unde ma duci, bestie?!
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq”.
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
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An arab at the airport:
- Name? – Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex? – Three to five times a week.
- No, no… I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast…
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Doua blonde, una la volan, semaforul rosu, se opresc:
- Ai vazut ce rosu frumos?!
- Da… superb…
- Da’ uite ce galben fain…
- Aha…
- Da’ uite ce verde misto…
- Da, asta chiar e super…
- Aaa…iar asta rosu, l-am mai vazut, hai sa mergem!..
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Un copil îşi dorea foarte mult o bicicletă, dar părinţii i-au spus că pentru asta trebuie să se roage. Aşa că, seară de seară, copilul a îngenuncheat în faţa icoanelor aflate pe noptieră (una cu Iisus, alta cu Fecioara Maria), implorând pt. bicicleta dorită. Şi tot aşa, luni de-a rândul, până când într-o seară, exasperat, copilul înşfacă icoana cu Fecioara, o ascunde sub pat, şi zice către icoana cu Iisus:
„DACĂ VREI S-O MAI VEZI PE MĂ-TA, SĂ-MI DAI BICICLETA !!!”
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