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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…..always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right…’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq”.

The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”

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An arab at the airport:
- Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex? - Three to five times a week.
- No, no… I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast…

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says kindly:
- Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.
- I know, she replies. I’m gonna get tits too…

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A man went to see his doctor.
“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said.
The man asked
- “Why?”
- “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

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Billy, a redneck who lived near Austin, Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said:
- “I’m sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
- “Well, then, just give me my money back.”
- “I can’t do that. I already went out and spent it.”
- “Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
- “What ya gonna do with him?”
- “I’m going to raffle him off.” , Billy said
- “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
- “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Billy and asked,
- “What happened with that dead donkey?”
- “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.”
- “Well, Didn’t anyone complain?”
- “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

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A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about it, but decided that she wanted the bird anyway. So she took it home, and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, New madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith.”

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A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small”, $6,500 for “medium”, $14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.

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An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’ he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh yes’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter’

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