A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. Bertrand Russell
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Billy, a redneck who lived near Austin, Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said:
- “I’m sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
- “Well, then, just give me my money back.”
- “I can’t do that. I already went out and spent it.”
- “Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
- “What ya gonna do with him?”
- “I’m going to raffle him off.” , Billy said
- “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
- “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Billy and asked,
- “What happened with that dead donkey?”
- “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.”
- “Well, Didn’t anyone complain?”
- “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
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A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about it, but decided that she wanted the bird anyway. So she took it home, and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, New madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith.”
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A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small”, $6,500 for “medium”, $14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.
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An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred
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Noaptea,inainte de examen. In apartamentul profesorului suna telefonul pe la 3. Cu o voce iritata acesta raspunde:
-Da!
-Dormi?
-Bineinteles ca dorm!
-…si noi invatam tuz mortii ma-tii !…
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Un ziarist face o vizită la o stână, unde ciobanul e tocmai cu oile la păscut.
- Ce faci, bace?
- Uite, aice cu turma…
- Pot sa vorbesc cu câinele tău?
- Câinele nu vorbeşte !
Ziaristul se apleacă la câine:
- Ce mai faci, Azor?
- Multzam, fain. (ciobanul rămâne cu gura căscată)
- Ciobanul te îngrijeşte bine?
- Nu mă plâng….dă mâncare bună, nu mă bate şi din când în când ne mai şi jucăm.
Ciobanul stă stupefiat.
- Bace! Pot să vorbesc cu măgarul tău?
- Măgarul nu vorbeşte…
Ziaristul se apropie de măgar:
- Ce mai faci, măgare?
- Nu mă plâng. (ciobanul intră în stare de şoc)
- Ciobanul se comportă bine cu tine?
- Da…… dă fân bun, iar dacă plouă, mă bagă în şură…
Ciobanul cade pe spate.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu oaia aia de lângă tine?
- NU!!! Bagaboanta aia minte de îngheaţă apele !!!
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Sotul si sotia aveau un caine rau. Se hotarasc sa scape de el.
Sotul ia cainele se urca in masina si il duce la cateva strazi distanta, il lasa acolo.
Se intoarce sotul acasa si peste 2 ore, hop si cainele la usa.
A doua zi, se urca sotul in masina, ia cainele si il duce in alt cartier.
Se intoarce acasa, peste 2 ore, iar apare cainele la usa.
A treia zi, ia asta cainele il baga in masina, da ture prin oras, o ia pe tot felul se strazi, se invarte…
Lasa cainele se urca in masina si pleaca. Peste 2 ore suna telefonul in casa. Raspunde nevasta.
Sotul:
- Nevasta, s-a intors cainele acasa?
- Da, s-a intors.
- Da-l la telefon ca m-am pierdut…
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“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose”
Bill Gates
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